Where Faith and Fear Collide

I skimmed my last post and couldn't believe how much had changed over the course of a month and a half. Since April 16, I turned 37, my husband and I became youth ministers at a terrific church, we celebrated our 6th wedding anniversary,  the transmission in my jeep went out and Keith's truck threatened to do the same. And we lost our second baby.

Two miscarriages within a year. To ask God, 'what are You doing?' doesn't seem like a big enough question. To plaster a smile on my face and continue on as though nothing has changed is not an option. Something has changed. Once again, my faith has been shaken.

Once again, I'm faced with that uphill battle of maintaining my sanity when everything within me longs to dwell in the darkness. In the darkness, there is no pain or disappointment. But there is no hope or joy, either. While I may be down and struggling, I pray I always cling to hope. Without hope, I'm certain I wouldn't make it.

Over the course of constant prayer, encouraging talks with loved ones, and a meltdown, I felt my faith pick itself up by the bootstraps and hang on tight. I clung to the promise that as long as I remain in the Vine, there isn't anything I can't do. With Jesus on my side, I cannot fail. The outcome may look different than I expect or than how I planned, but it will be just as God always planned. As long as I get out of the way and let Him guide me.

As a Christian, I make a daily - no, more like a moment-to-moment - decision to root my faith in the Word and allow God to help it grow and thrive. As a human, fear and doubt creep in and try everything to shatter what I've struggled to rebuild.

Tomorrow I face fear and I have to choose if it is going to run me or if I'm going to battle it with faith. I know that I know that I know that with God, all things are possible. I know that God knows my every thought and my every desire. I know that He wants me to have an abundant life. I also know that God can chase away every speck of darkness with the tiniest sliver of His light.

The saying, 'I don't know what tomorrow holds, but I know Who holds tomorrow' might be cliche, but it's true. Tomorrow is full of unknowns and frightening possibilities.

When faith and fear collide, which one wins? Truth be told, I have more times in my life where fear is the victor. I don't want to be defined by fear or ruled by the unknown. I choose to submit myself, entirely, to the One who can snuff out my fear and crush the unknown simply by being.

When faith and fear collide . . . I choose faith.

Dear Lord,
Thank You for Your love and Your goodness and Your countless blessings in my life. Thank You for surrounding me with Your strong hands and keeping me safe from harm. Thank you for not living me where I am and shaking my life up enough so that I choose to cling to You more. Thank You for chasing away the darkness and showing me the light.

Amen

Fatigue, Queasiness, and Heartburn. . .

and I'm loving every minute of it!

"For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper and not to harm you." God says in His word that He knows what He wants for our lives. Most of the time, we believe we know what we want better than God, but that is so not the case. God sees things that we miss ... even if we're looking right at it!

Nothing is bigger than my God. Nothing. Take a minute and let that sink in. There is absolutely nothing that God cannot handle. He created the entire universe and all the creatures living in it, yet He knows my name, the number of hairs on my head, and how many tears I cry. God is so powerful and mighty, but He is also so loving and good. His word is filled with promises upon promises that us mere humans often have trouble clinging to.

One of my favorite verses says "Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart." God isn't a vending machine where we put service in and get blessings out. He wants a relationship with us. So many times, I lose sight of that fact and treat Him like a vending machine. Too often I think that since I am doing what I am supposed to do to be a good Christian, then He should reward me by giving me the desires of my heart. But there's a first part to that verse: Delight yourself in the Lord!

What does it mean to delight yourself in the Lord? When you face trials and sorrows, how can you delight in the pain and anger they bring? The simple truth is the hardest one to accept: you simply trust God that He's got everything under control.

April 3, 2012, my husband and I had our second IUI procedure and so began the excruciating two weeks of waiting and wondering and waiting and wondering. Every little wave of nausea, I rejoiced. If I felt fine, I would sink low. It was a long two weeks where doubts constantly assailed me. Every time I found myself doubting, I turned to the Lord in prayer and cling to His promises. "Keith and I ARE delighting ourselves in you, so I BELIEVE You will give us the desires of our heart."

The two weeks waiting was so much harder than last time. Finally, I convinced Keith to take a pregnancy test two days early. We were being presented to a church as their new youth ministers and they prayed a wonderful, earth-shaking prayer over before the procedure, that I wanted to be able to tell them that prayer worked! So, at 4 am on Sunday, April 15, my bladder woke me up. I contemplated just going to the bathroom and then back to bed, but I knew I'd never be able to get back asleep. So we got up.

While we waited the LONG three minutes, we prayed and laughed. I knew I was pregnant. I could feel it. My body was throwing out all the signs. My only worry was what if the test was a false negative. I didn't want to ruin our day, but I had to turn that over to God. He is in control of it all.

When we saw the two pink lines saying that we were pregnant again, we both rejoiced, giving God all the praise and glory. While I know I have a long road ahead of fighting Satan for control of my doubts, I feel confident about this baby. I know that this baby will ride this path with me for the next 8 months and we will hold him or her in our arms and see his or her precious smile as we see God's gift to us.

Dear Lord,

Thank You for Your love. Thank You for Your forgiveness and Your patience. Thank You for seeing through my times of doubt to the faith held strong in my heart. Thank You for this most amazing blessing! I dedicate our child to You now and trust that You hold him or her in the palm of Your hand. You are knitting the child together in my womb and covering him or her with Your protection. Thank You for Your protection and Your unfailing love. I am forever Yours,

Amen

Journey Like No Other

Trying to think of something other than the very real possibility of a baby growing inside of you is next to impossible. At work, I think about it. I am aware of my anxiety whenever I lift something or feel like I've been on my feet too long. In the prairie days, before medicine got so high-tech, the women worked and worked while they were pregnant. Giving no thought to doing too much. I don't have that luxury. I don't want that luxury. I want to do whatever I can to create a healthy, nurturing environment.

I asked Keith if he thought I had been hormonal lately. He laughed and gave me a very sarcastic "NO!" but I knew the truth. I feel hormonal and moody and irritable. I am really trying hard to be patient with him, but I'm afraid my patience is non-existent. I pray he'll just ride the waves and keep smiling. I love it when he smiles. He builds me up with his smile and I know that as long as he's smiling, everything is going to be okay.

He's down in the man-cave playing his guitar. Listening to Casting Crowns, "Glorious Day" and playing along. He is teaching himself the guitar and the piano and I couldn't be more proud of him. I enjoy singing in the choir, but that's all the musical talent I have unfortunately. I am creative in other ways, though. My imagination never sleeps and I never stop dreaming. I see the big vision, the grand picture, the end result that most people over look. But I have to make myself remember that it's not the destination that matters, it's the journey.

The journey to motherhood has been a long, hard, painful, and oftentimes, a very dark one. I am overweight and I understand how that adds complications to trying to get pregnant, but I never imagined it would be this hard. I never thought I'd have to do so much and endure so much. With that said, I can honestly say that I never imagined the reward would be so great. If something comes easily, then it is easily taken for granted. I don't want to take you for granted. I want to treasure you and the blessing you represent. There is not a mother alive who loves her child more than I love you. Right now. In this very moment. Even before I knew for sure that there was a "you". You are a loved and heavily prayed for child. I pray you never forget that.

I love you with all that is within me.

One Desire

Here I am again. Sitting in the cafeteria at Emory Hospital, waiting for 9:00 - and the beginning of another round of fertility. Another round of painful shots and constant - and intense - hormonal mood swings. Another round of the light of hope straining moment by moment to push away the darkness of doubt. The natural and expected sense of hope that a woman usually feels at this moment is laced with fear, sadness, and a hesitancy that I wish would evaporate.

6 months seems like a long time and a short time all at the same time. 6 months ago, my husband and I were riding on the biggest, fluffiest cloud in the sky. It was the most exhilerating feeling that I have ever felt. I truly understood why people talk about the "glow" pregnant women have. How could I not be glowing? I was expecting a child that I had desired my entire life.

Then it was gone. Not only the sweet, precious child inside me, but the glow. The external bliss that everyone could see. The thrill of my pending new life. More importantly, my faith was shaken so hard that it nearly disappeared as well. I didn't care where God was, because I had no desire to be near Him. I wanted to turn my back on Him and never seek His face again. My faith and love of God turned to bitter anger and - admittedly - hatred.

How could God allow this after everything my husband and I had been through to get to that point? We were happy and actively serving in our church. We prayed together. We had a faith that was evident and, so I believed, strong enough to endure anything.

Boy was I wrong!

When I heard that they couldn't find our baby's heartbeat after 8 weeks of life, I learned just how shallow and weak my faith truly was. I learned that despite my honest desire for God to be enough, He came a distant second to my baby. Very distant. I loved God and I believed He was capable of anything, but I loved the idea of my baby more. I loved the dreams of family that I had. I missed the blessings God had already given me in a wonderful, godly husband and loving family.

I'm not saying God took my baby to punish me and teach me a lesson. What I am saying is that God can turn all things for good for those who believe in Him. Losing the baby was the lowest low, the deepest and darkest pain, I have ever felt.

Over the 6 months that followed, I experienced every emotion under the sun. Depression. Anger. Denial. Guilt. Sadness. Loss of hope. Agony. Loneliness. It wasn't until I realized how pointless my anger was, that I was able to let it go. I could ask every "why" question and imagine every "what if" scenario in the book, but none of it would change what was. Our baby was gone. Period. Yes, it hurts. It still hurts. I believe it will always hurt. But I know and I believe that Christ came not only to give me life, but to give me an abundant life. I couldn't have an abundant life and stay where I was.

So I moved. I was determined to learn something from the pain and loss. I refused to let what happened to our baby be in vain.

I started attending a Bible study at my church written by ladies in the church who had experienced miscarriages, infertility, and/or stillborn births. God surrounded me with people that could not only understand my pain, but help me overcome it. God also helped me realize that He wanted to be my one desire. My ONE desire. My one and ONLY desire.

There's a song from an artist I recently discovered that sings everything my heart feels right now. She has a song called "One Desire" that I listen to over and over and over. The first part if the song says:

Here I am

Just for You, only You

Here I stand

Wanting You, only You

In Your presence Lord

I will find my strength

You're the breath in me

You're my everything

With my heart bowed low

And my hands beld high

All consuming fire

You're my One Desire

That is truly my desire and my goal. My God is enough. My. God. Is. Enough. Nothing else matters above Him. Do I still want a baby? I'm here, aren't I? Waiting to begin another round of fertility so that God can bless us with the child He wants us to have when He wants us to have it. This time; however, my focus is on God - and Him alone. I know - without a doubt - that God is enough for me. Regardless of what happens. My God IS my One Desire!

Valley of the Dry Bones

Ezekiel waded through piles and piles of dry bones in the middle of the valley. What was he thinking as the Lord led him through the valley? I can imagine his thoughts being similar to these:

Why am I here?

What does the Lord wish me to see when I look at these dry bones?

The Lord led me here for a reason and it is up to me to be open to His voice.

Sound familiar? While walking down the path the Lord wants us to take, there are many trials, obstacles, and tests that leave us as lost and confused as Ezekiel had to have been. The devastation of seeing nothing but dead, dry bones as far as the eye can see had to have been heart-wrenching.

One thing I'm sure Ezekiel learned that we need to always remember is that even when we are in the valley, surrounded by dry bones, the Lord is with us. Sure, He led us there, just as He led Ezekiel, but He didn't leave us there to fend for ourselves. As Ezekiel had to turn to the Lord for answers and comfort while in the valley, we must do the same thing. Even if the answers are forever out of our reach.

Why am I here?

We've all been there. Standing in the valley, surrounded by a pain that was sure to consume us. Our first question is generally why. Why did God bring me here? Why did this happen? Why, if God loves me as He says, would He allow me to endure so much pain? God is a big God and He can handle all of our whys. He hears them anyway, so why not voice them? Why not cry out to God in the valley and tell Him that we don't understand?

As humans, we are designed to feel a plethora of emotions. Anger. Happiness. Sadness. Joy. Pain. Love. Grief. Sorrow. Hope. How can we believe that God created us just as we are, but not believe that we can cry out to Him in our pain or anger?

In Ezekiel 37 as the prophet is weaving through the dry bones, the Bible doesn't mention the questions rolling around in his mind, but we know they were there. As a human, how could they not be? Ez. 37:2 says “He led me back and forth among them, and I saw a great many bones on the floor of the valley, bones that were very dry.” Why am I here? A very reasonable question that we've all asked one time or another in our lives. Will we always hear the answer? No. Will we ever understand? Not entirely. Our minds are finite and flawed. There is no way to fully comprehend the mind of God, who is infinite and holy. But even in the midst of our questions, God gives us the peace that He will carry us through, despite our anger and our burning questions.

What does the Lord wish me to see when I look at these dry bones?

These weren't just bones in the valley. They were dry bones. Imagining a valley filled with bones is one thing, but imagining that same valley where the bones were dry is another. In the natural course of death and decaying things, it takes a bone decades to dry out. In some climates, it can take up to 80 years for bones to decay.

When we look at the dry bones in Ezekiel's valley, we know they represent the children of Israel. The fact that the bones are dry paint a very clear picture that the rebellion of Israel was not something that happened over night. It took years for the state of Israel's faith to be likened to a valley of dry bones.

As a prophet of the Lord, Ezekiel had to have moments where he doubted the Lord's methods. Finite minds could never comprehend His infinite mind. He obviously knew that the Lord was trying to teach him something, but it had to have seemed unusual for the Lord to use a valley of devastation. At least until God spoke.

The Lord led me here for a reason and it is up to me to be open to His voice.

Ez. 37:3 says: “He asked me, 'Son of man, can these bones live?' I said, 'O Sovereign Lord, You alone know'.”

While reading this passage, it is easy for us to hear the thoughts rolling through Ezekiel's mind. If we can know his thoughts that are not expressed, how can we possibly believe that God couldn't hear them? Voice them. Cry out to God and demand an answer. He will always give an answer, even if it is to simply trust Him. If we are willing to cry out to God, we have to also be willing to be still and listen for His voice.

Ez. 37:4-6 says, “Then He said to me, 'Prophesy to these bones and say to them, ‘Dry bones, hear the word of the Lord! This is what the Sovereign Lord says to these bones: I will make breath enter you, and you will come to life. I will attach tendons to you and make flesh come upon you and cover you with skin; I will put breath in you, and you will come to life. Then you will know that I am the Lord.’”

Why am I here? As a prophet, Ezekiel knew to follow the Lord and do as he was commanded. Now, standing in the middle of a valley, surrounded by dry bones, he was ordered to talk to the bones. Talk to bones? Seriously? Not only was he to talk to them, but he was to tell them that the Lord was going to give them new life! These dry bones would soon be reattached by tendons and flesh and breathe the fresh air of life.

Keep in mind that Ezekiel was an Old Testament prophet. He was not alive when Jesus walked the earth. He did not witness the countless miracles that Jesus performed. He was not there when Jesus rose from the grave and ascended into heaven. But he had seen God move. He knew God's sovereign power and the consuming authority He had over all of creation.

Ezekiel knew that there was nothing God couldn't do. If he had any questions after hearing God's command, I believe it was still more along the lines of 'why' than 'how'. Why would God wish to revive these dead, decaying, dry bones? They were useless. Whatever purpose they served has long ago ended.

Yet, God saw something we couldn't. God saw a future that we could never even imagine. As painful and trying the valleys of life are, God is still in control and He knows what He's doing.

Ez 37:7-14 says, “So I prophesied as I was commanded. And as I was prophesying, there was a noise, a rattling sound, and the bones came together, bone to bone. I looked, and tendons and flesh appeared on them and skin covered them, but there was no breath in them. Then He said to me, 'Prophesy to the breath; prophesy, son of man, and say to it, ‘This is what the Sovereign Lord says: Come, breath, from the four winds and breathe into these slain, that they may live.’ So I prophesied as he commanded me, and breath entered them; they came to life and stood up on their feet—a vast army.

Then He said to me: 'Son of man, these bones are the people of Israel. They say, ‘Our bones are dried up and our hope is gone; we are cut off.’ Therefore prophesy and say to them: ‘This is what the Sovereign Lord says: My people, I am going to open your graves and bring you up from them; I will bring you back to the land of Israel. Then you, my people, will know that I am the Lord, when I open your graves and bring you up from them. I will put my Spirit in you and you will live, and I will settle you in your own land. Then you will know that I the Lord have spoken, and I have done it, declares the Lord.’”

Can you imagine being surrounded by dead bodies and speaking to them, telling them that they would soon have life, and then watching as that happened right before your eyes? Sounds a bit frightening to me. Frightening and amazing. God craves us. He longs for a loving relationship with us and He refuses to let ourselves stand in the way. Regardless of how dead or dry our faith is, He longs to restore us.

Why am I here?

What does the Lord wish me to see while I'm standing this valley?

The Lord led me here for a reason and it is up to me to be open to His voice.

Regardless of our valley or trial, the questions are the same and so are the answers. God alone may know why we are facing whatever it is we're facing and we may never know this side of heaven. Do we stop asking questions or seeking answers? Do we refuse to take the time to try and see what God wants us to see? Do we give it our all to see our trials as God sees them? The Lord may not have caused the trial in our life to come, but He will be the cause of our comfort and peace if we let Him. He promises to never leave us or forsake us. Never. Regardless of how long our faith has been dry and useless, God is still standing by, waiting to give us a new life. Willing to give us His Spirit so that we may live.

Ask your questions. Voice your anger and frustration. God hears our hearts and minds regardless of what our mouths may say. But it can't end there. You can't rail at God and then close your mind and heart to His answer. You have to be willing to wait to hear His voice. It will come, for God is never silent. The world around us often makes it impossible to hear Him, but He is with us and He is trying to communicate. He wants us to hear Him. He wants us to find the comfort and the peace we desperately need in safety and love of His outstretched arms.

God - the Great Show-Off

Being a raised in church, I have heard the common saying "God's timing is perfect" so many times that it has become the standard answer for everything in life. While true, it is often not what I want to hear. Especially when I am facing a trial or a test of my faith, the last thing I need is God's timing is perfect.

For the past few years, my husband and I have been trying to expand our family using every avenue possible, but we kept hitting roadblocks and disappointments. The beginning of this year, we started down the long, hard path of fertility. After testing and testing and more testing, we discovered that my body was trying to go into early menopause - not very conducive when we are trying to get pregnant.

Intent on pushing forward and constantly praying, we started fertility treatments. Taking shots every day for 6 days was not fun, but I had the ultimate goal in mind, so I managed. Going in for the procedure, I had so many thoughts running through my head and I had to pray for God to seize my thoughts and let me feel His comfort. And He did.

After testing and shots, the doctor told us there was a 15% that we would get pregnant after the procedure. 15% chance. I closed my eyes and instantly rejoiced, because I knew how my God likes to show up and show off.

The two weeks that followed the procedure were filled with hope and doubt. I had no doubt what God could do, but I questioned what He would do. My God is an awesome God and I knew he could show up in a might way. My biggest fear was that my faith would be shaken if the test came back negative. As much as I wanted a baby, I didn't want my faith to weaken.

This past Sunday, sitting in church, I opened my heart and talked to God. And He answered. I felt a calming hand on my shoulder and a gentle voice in my head simply telling me that He was with me. I knew then that I would rejoice regardless of the test result and embrace the path God has for me. If I was pregnant, then it was an answered prayer. If I wasn't, then God had something bigger in store and I couldn't wait to be a part of it.

This morning, waiting for those two pink lines on the at-home test, I constantly prayed that God would help me through the next few moments and remind me of my promise to rejoice. With my patient and loving husband by my side, we read the results: two pink lines! I kept staring at the test in awe.

Not only did God move, but He showed off! Our very first fertility procedure and we get two beautiful pink lines! After years of trying and praying and waiting, God has blessed us beyond our wildest imaginations. I can't tell enough people how great and wonderful my God truly is!

Would I still be saying this if the test had come out differently? Absolutely. I had already made my peace with the outcome and I was ready to move forward, whichever way it went. God has held me through this and I have no doubt that He will continue to hold me - and our blessing! - in the palm of His hand.

Thank you, Lord, for Your comfort. Your peace. Your grace and Your blessings! I don't deserve Your love, but I know my life would be worthless without it. Thank you for this tremendous blessing and I pray Your hedge of protection around this little one that is already loved so much by so many!

Low and Down

I was raised listening to Southern Gospel music. To my father's way of thinking, there is no other kind of music. While I certainly wouldn't go that far, there are several Southern Gospel songs that were written just to be a balm to my soul and an encourager to my spirit. As much as I enjoy Contemporary Christian artists, they simply cannot get me at the foot of the cross the way Southern Gospel can.

Today, I desperately needed a boost of faith. A balm for my over-stressed, weary soul, so I turned to what I knew would give me that boost. I recently turned 36 and my husband and I have been struggling with infertility. The road has been long and hard, but I'm still running. For anyone who has experienced the roller coaster ride of emotions that come with trying to conceive, then you can understand that for the past two weeks, I have been fervently praying that I was pregnant. Waiting on that magical moment when I see a "+" instead of a "-" has been difficult, but I stayed optimistic.

Today, my waiting and wondering ended, but it wasn't the news I wanted. Today, I learned that my road isn't getting any shorter or any easier. In fact, the opposite is true. My road just extend several miles and added additional lanes of doubt, worry, stress, and financial burdens. I know that I am not on this road alone. I know that both God and my husband are enduring the ups and downs right along side of me. Still, there are times, like today, that I feel utterly alone.

I feel the temptation to burrow into depression and wallow in my misery. I hear Satan whispering in my ear to just give up and realize that God will not give me the desires of my heart. My heart is heavy and tired. My mind is struggling to focus on things NOT baby-related. In the midst of all of this, my husband is acting as the Interim Youth Minister at the church we attend and while I see the excitement and struggles he faces, I feel myself giving him only half of my attention. It is selfish, I know, and I pray that the Lord will give me the peace to let go of my frustrations and give my husband whatever he needs from me. Some times, I succeed. Other times. . . well, at least I can be honest about it.

With all of the stress and anxieties piling up on both myself and my husband, I can't help but cave into the flesh and cry out to God in disappointment and anger. Laying my burdens at the foot of the cross is easy. Making that conscious decision to leave them there, is nearly impossible for me.

Today, I don't feel like praising God. I don't feel want to make a joyful sound. I don't even want to keep running the race. I simply want to throw my hands up and say, "OK, God. You've had Your chance. Give me what I want or else. . ." Hey, here again, I'm just being honest. As soon as my heart finishes the cry, I feel the Spirit tug on me and wrap me in His arms. However much I'm hurting, God is hurting that much more. Whatever saddens me, makes my Lord sad. He is the ultimate Comforter and today I needed Him to comfort me like never before.

I can't say that I am still not struggling with my flesh and my disappointment, but I can say that I am holding tight to His hand. The hand that cradles me in the midst of the storm. The hand that sustains me even when I'm low and down.

This burden is heavy, this trial is long
This road is rocky, but I'm running on
The news isn't good, but I'll praise Him anyhow
I'll still be shouting 'Glory' when I'm low and down

Low in the valley, down in deep despair
High on the mountain, I know He'll be there
So, I'm holding on, not letting go, I'm standing my ground
I'll still be shouting 'Glory' when I'm low and down

Those rocks have been waiting to cry out in my place
Brother, you know, they'll have a long time to wait
And when I'm at my weakest, I'll make a joyful sound
I'll still be shouting 'Glory' when I'm low and down

"Low and Down" by The McRaes