Nearsighted

I wear contact lenses. I have since the 8th grade. I've worn glasses since the 4th grade. My eye sight is terrible!!! I cannot see anything unless you stick it right in front of my face -- literally bump my nose. I hate it. I've thought often about Lasix surgery and while I haven't done it yet, it is still up there on my "ways to improve myself" list.

Your eyes are a pretty delicate issue. I have terrible vision, but at the same time, I am not blind. I can see the wonderful creation around me. When I remove the contacts or place my glasses on the nightstand at night before I go to bed, the world becomes extremely fuzzy. Even through the fuzziness, I know what I'm seeing because it's something I'm familiar with. It's something that I have seen time and time again when my vision was clear and focused. It's my comfort zone.

Like most people, it frustrates me when something unusual happens and forces me out of my comfort zone. When something out of the norm takes place that throws me off kilter, even for a little while. It's like being blind, even when I'm wearing my contacts. That, to me, is what being a Christian is like. Sometimes, our vision is so clear and so focused that we know exactly what we are doing and where we going. Other times, it's fuzzy and we have absolutely no idea which direction to turn.

Last week, I was handed a pretty devastating blow that threw my vision off focus. For about ten years, I have been overcoming one obstacle or another in order to achieve my dream of teaching. It seems like a simple task, but it has been anything but simple. The stumbling blocks and obstacles I have had to overcome have worn me down and the last thing I needed was another one. This devastating blow was another wall blocking my path toward my goal and I felt utterly defeated. I was tired. I didn't think I had any fight left in me.

I was going to give up. After all the fighting and all the planning, I had had enough. It was too much. If this was something God really wanted me to do, then why did I have to fight so hard for it? I couldn't understand. I still can't. My vision was blurred and I was stumbling in the darkness.

Over the next few days, I sought prayer and counsel from those closest to me. It was a difficult time and I was very discouraged. I wasn't sure if I should stay on the current path and start school at the end of May or give up. Was teaching something I wanted or something God wanted? Does God have something else in mind for me other than teaching and I'm pushing my own agenda?

I was nearsighted. In more ways than one. I was angry at God for putting me through yet another obstacle. Still, even through my disappointment and anger, a part of me trusted and believed that there was more to God's plan than what my imperfect eyes could see. I still had faith that God was in control and He would give me the desires of my heart.

That doesn't mean that I didn't feel pain or disappointment. That doesn't mean that I wasn't angry at God for what I had to go through. I felt all of those emotions, and more. I was frightened and I felt alone even with my entire family and friends behind me. My emotions were shaken, but my faith wasn't. I held firm to God's hand and told Him that I was going to hold Him accountable for His promises in His Word. The promise that if I delight myself in Him, then He will give me the desires of my heart. He said, I believed it, and He was going to fulfill that.

Today, less than a full week later, I have my sight back. I know my path and I feel content with the decisions that God has made for me. I know why doors were closed and I am at peace with His plan -- not mine. God's eyes are far better than my own and I trust Him. God's plan involves so much more than what my eyes can see -- even with 20/20 vision.

Dear Lord,
Thank you for watching over me. Thank you for protecting me from things that I can't even see. Your ways are higher and greater than anything I could ever imagine and I trust in You. You always fulfill your promises and I place my future in your hands. I will follow where ever Your will takes me.

Amen

Yesterday isn't soon enough!

I currently work in an industry where I hear the phrase "I needed this yesterday" more times than I care to remember. More often than not, they say this because of a lack of planning on their part, but they still expect us to jump on command. As if our trucks are sitting in the parking lot waiting on their phone call to make their urgent delivery. Our dispatcher has no qualms in letting them know that a lack of planning on their part does not constitute a state of emergency on his.
We live in a world today where yesterday is simply not soon enough. We want things now and that's it. No waiting. No lines. We have drive-thru at the fast food restaurants. We have high-speed Internet -- on our cell phone because we simply can't wait to get home to use our high-speed Internet there! We have a handy little device called TiVo that enables us to fast forward through commercials (provided we aren't watching live TV) so that we can't rush through the parts we care nothing about to get back to the TV show we do care about. I'm guilty of that. My husband and I will begin a show about fifteen or twenty minutes after it has already started just so we can fast-forward through the commercials. It's actually pretty wonderful.
Go to the grocery store and take your pick of any full-course meal ready to go to your table in thirty minutes or less with little or no prep. It's your way right away. It's how we have to have it. Most grocery stores and Wal-Marts have "speedy checkouts" that enable you to check yourself out so that you have to have absolutely no contact with a sales associate. Just run your items over the scanner and select your method of payment and you're on your way. I do it. I'm not pointing fingers without pointing one at myself first. I like the speedy checkout. Sometimes, I don't want to talk to a sales associate. Sometimes, I just want to get in and get out.
What's my point? My point is that the word "patience" seems to be the hardest word in our vocabulary. It's a word that virtually everyone has a difficult time with. Myself included. I hate waiting. Especially when it's something I really want. Something I feel like I've struggled with for a long time. Something that I feel like I've earned.
I have been trying to get back into teaching for the past couple of years and after two or three disappointing interviews, I find myself waiting, once more, on another teaching position. This time, it's a teaching position that I really desire. I felt the Lord's pull the moment I walked through the door of the school when I interviewed and I really felt a peace when I spoke with the Headmaster and the Department Chair. I have been waiting for a few weeks and now, when it's down to it's final week of waiting, I've grown more and more impatient. I've waited and waited and I'm sick of waiting. I want to know something and there is nothing I can do about it. I can't call them up and say, "I demand to know. Tell me."
Sometimes I feel that God enjoys testing my patience. I think He strives to push and push and force me to rely on Him. In some ways, I should rejoice in that and take courage in the fact that He is in control. In other ways, my flesh takes over and I begin to have doubts. Doubts in my abilities and doubts in my future. I have a very active imagination and Satan enjoys playing with my head.
I honestly think that part of the reason why I have been so cranky and irritable lately is because of the waiting. I hate waiting. I get scared and when I get scared, I get cranky. It's a vicious cycle. One that I haven't learned to break. I should know something next week. Until then, all I can do is wait -- and pray -- and lean on God. He's the only who's in control and I really wouldn't have it any other way.