Dear God

Today was a wonderful day in Your house. We sang "You Abide" and I really like the song. It reminds me of how You are always with me. Through my highs and lows, You never leave me. When I cry, You weep. That sentiment absolutely amazes me how the Creator of all of the universe weeps when I cry. Thank you for loving me that much. Thank you for having patience with me and th desire to not leave me where I am, but push me to grow and become more like You.
The message today was how to become more like You. I realize that I have failed in a lot of ways and I would like to make the commitment to change that. I love you. I adore you. I want you to be my Alpha and Omega. I want you to be enough.
Wow! I typed the last sentence, without even thinking about it. That must mean that’s where my heart is at the moment. I have to get to the point where You are all I need. I want to be there, Lord. I truly do. I want to feel You and hear You wherever I am. I want to feel as if I can sit on my couch at home and talk to you as I would my husband or my best friend. You know better than my husband does. You know better than my parents do. Your love for me even far exceed their love for me.
Lord, I don’t want to sit in church and hear the message that I heard this morning and walk out the door and let the urge to change my life end there. I want to make the commitment and see this through. I want to spend more time with you and pray more and worship You even when I’m not in church.
However, I don’t feel as though I can begin this commitment to grow without being honest with myself. I know You already know what’s in my heart and I can hide nothing from you. But I can hide plenty from me. Or, at least I can make myself believe that there is nothing wrong and I don’t have anything to admit. That’s not the case today, Lord. I have to begin by voicing my frustrations with You. If David spoke to you in love and in anger and he was still a man after Your own heart, then why can’t I feel comfortable doing the same thing?
I trust You, Lord with all that I have and all that I am. I trust You to keep my world from crashing around me. I trust you that when my world does crash around me, that You are still with me. You will never leave me. You abide in me. You are my everything.
I have a hard time understanding something. I know it’s my finite human mind, but it bothers me. My husband and I are not the only couple in the world to have struggles with conceiving a child. Nor do our struggles even come close to the struggles of others we know. This question isn’t necessarily just for me. What I don’t understand is why is it so difficult? Why is it that a Christian couple, who truly seek to do Your will and to be like Christ, try and try to have a child that they will raise in a Christian home have struggles, but a woman who has no desire to be a mother and terminates the pregnancy? Why does it seem like you choose to bless the woman who you know will only abort Your gift instead of the couple who prays for that child night and day? I know it is never Your will that a child is aborted. I also know that nothing ever surprises You.
Help me understand this, Lord. Help me find the strength to continue my walk faithfully and trust that You truly know what’s best. I never question Your will, Lord. I just, at times, have difficulties with Your ways.
I love you and I am thankful that I can come before you like this, even with the questions and the frustrations. You sill hear me. You still love me. Thank you for all of Your blessings in my life. The fact that I want a child never diminishes the current blessings You have poured on me. Thank you for your Son and for His sacrificial death. Thank you for the chance to run the race and earn that eternal crown. The crown that I pray will be ornately adorned for You so that I may lay it at Your feet. Amen