Low and Down

I was raised listening to Southern Gospel music. To my father's way of thinking, there is no other kind of music. While I certainly wouldn't go that far, there are several Southern Gospel songs that were written just to be a balm to my soul and an encourager to my spirit. As much as I enjoy Contemporary Christian artists, they simply cannot get me at the foot of the cross the way Southern Gospel can.

Today, I desperately needed a boost of faith. A balm for my over-stressed, weary soul, so I turned to what I knew would give me that boost. I recently turned 36 and my husband and I have been struggling with infertility. The road has been long and hard, but I'm still running. For anyone who has experienced the roller coaster ride of emotions that come with trying to conceive, then you can understand that for the past two weeks, I have been fervently praying that I was pregnant. Waiting on that magical moment when I see a "+" instead of a "-" has been difficult, but I stayed optimistic.

Today, my waiting and wondering ended, but it wasn't the news I wanted. Today, I learned that my road isn't getting any shorter or any easier. In fact, the opposite is true. My road just extend several miles and added additional lanes of doubt, worry, stress, and financial burdens. I know that I am not on this road alone. I know that both God and my husband are enduring the ups and downs right along side of me. Still, there are times, like today, that I feel utterly alone.

I feel the temptation to burrow into depression and wallow in my misery. I hear Satan whispering in my ear to just give up and realize that God will not give me the desires of my heart. My heart is heavy and tired. My mind is struggling to focus on things NOT baby-related. In the midst of all of this, my husband is acting as the Interim Youth Minister at the church we attend and while I see the excitement and struggles he faces, I feel myself giving him only half of my attention. It is selfish, I know, and I pray that the Lord will give me the peace to let go of my frustrations and give my husband whatever he needs from me. Some times, I succeed. Other times. . . well, at least I can be honest about it.

With all of the stress and anxieties piling up on both myself and my husband, I can't help but cave into the flesh and cry out to God in disappointment and anger. Laying my burdens at the foot of the cross is easy. Making that conscious decision to leave them there, is nearly impossible for me.

Today, I don't feel like praising God. I don't feel want to make a joyful sound. I don't even want to keep running the race. I simply want to throw my hands up and say, "OK, God. You've had Your chance. Give me what I want or else. . ." Hey, here again, I'm just being honest. As soon as my heart finishes the cry, I feel the Spirit tug on me and wrap me in His arms. However much I'm hurting, God is hurting that much more. Whatever saddens me, makes my Lord sad. He is the ultimate Comforter and today I needed Him to comfort me like never before.

I can't say that I am still not struggling with my flesh and my disappointment, but I can say that I am holding tight to His hand. The hand that cradles me in the midst of the storm. The hand that sustains me even when I'm low and down.

This burden is heavy, this trial is long
This road is rocky, but I'm running on
The news isn't good, but I'll praise Him anyhow
I'll still be shouting 'Glory' when I'm low and down

Low in the valley, down in deep despair
High on the mountain, I know He'll be there
So, I'm holding on, not letting go, I'm standing my ground
I'll still be shouting 'Glory' when I'm low and down

Those rocks have been waiting to cry out in my place
Brother, you know, they'll have a long time to wait
And when I'm at my weakest, I'll make a joyful sound
I'll still be shouting 'Glory' when I'm low and down

"Low and Down" by The McRaes