One Desire

Here I am again. Sitting in the cafeteria at Emory Hospital, waiting for 9:00 - and the beginning of another round of fertility. Another round of painful shots and constant - and intense - hormonal mood swings. Another round of the light of hope straining moment by moment to push away the darkness of doubt. The natural and expected sense of hope that a woman usually feels at this moment is laced with fear, sadness, and a hesitancy that I wish would evaporate.

6 months seems like a long time and a short time all at the same time. 6 months ago, my husband and I were riding on the biggest, fluffiest cloud in the sky. It was the most exhilerating feeling that I have ever felt. I truly understood why people talk about the "glow" pregnant women have. How could I not be glowing? I was expecting a child that I had desired my entire life.

Then it was gone. Not only the sweet, precious child inside me, but the glow. The external bliss that everyone could see. The thrill of my pending new life. More importantly, my faith was shaken so hard that it nearly disappeared as well. I didn't care where God was, because I had no desire to be near Him. I wanted to turn my back on Him and never seek His face again. My faith and love of God turned to bitter anger and - admittedly - hatred.

How could God allow this after everything my husband and I had been through to get to that point? We were happy and actively serving in our church. We prayed together. We had a faith that was evident and, so I believed, strong enough to endure anything.

Boy was I wrong!

When I heard that they couldn't find our baby's heartbeat after 8 weeks of life, I learned just how shallow and weak my faith truly was. I learned that despite my honest desire for God to be enough, He came a distant second to my baby. Very distant. I loved God and I believed He was capable of anything, but I loved the idea of my baby more. I loved the dreams of family that I had. I missed the blessings God had already given me in a wonderful, godly husband and loving family.

I'm not saying God took my baby to punish me and teach me a lesson. What I am saying is that God can turn all things for good for those who believe in Him. Losing the baby was the lowest low, the deepest and darkest pain, I have ever felt.

Over the 6 months that followed, I experienced every emotion under the sun. Depression. Anger. Denial. Guilt. Sadness. Loss of hope. Agony. Loneliness. It wasn't until I realized how pointless my anger was, that I was able to let it go. I could ask every "why" question and imagine every "what if" scenario in the book, but none of it would change what was. Our baby was gone. Period. Yes, it hurts. It still hurts. I believe it will always hurt. But I know and I believe that Christ came not only to give me life, but to give me an abundant life. I couldn't have an abundant life and stay where I was.

So I moved. I was determined to learn something from the pain and loss. I refused to let what happened to our baby be in vain.

I started attending a Bible study at my church written by ladies in the church who had experienced miscarriages, infertility, and/or stillborn births. God surrounded me with people that could not only understand my pain, but help me overcome it. God also helped me realize that He wanted to be my one desire. My ONE desire. My one and ONLY desire.

There's a song from an artist I recently discovered that sings everything my heart feels right now. She has a song called "One Desire" that I listen to over and over and over. The first part if the song says:

Here I am

Just for You, only You

Here I stand

Wanting You, only You

In Your presence Lord

I will find my strength

You're the breath in me

You're my everything

With my heart bowed low

And my hands beld high

All consuming fire

You're my One Desire

That is truly my desire and my goal. My God is enough. My. God. Is. Enough. Nothing else matters above Him. Do I still want a baby? I'm here, aren't I? Waiting to begin another round of fertility so that God can bless us with the child He wants us to have when He wants us to have it. This time; however, my focus is on God - and Him alone. I know - without a doubt - that God is enough for me. Regardless of what happens. My God IS my One Desire!