Fatigue, Queasiness, and Heartburn. . .

and I'm loving every minute of it!

"For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper and not to harm you." God says in His word that He knows what He wants for our lives. Most of the time, we believe we know what we want better than God, but that is so not the case. God sees things that we miss ... even if we're looking right at it!

Nothing is bigger than my God. Nothing. Take a minute and let that sink in. There is absolutely nothing that God cannot handle. He created the entire universe and all the creatures living in it, yet He knows my name, the number of hairs on my head, and how many tears I cry. God is so powerful and mighty, but He is also so loving and good. His word is filled with promises upon promises that us mere humans often have trouble clinging to.

One of my favorite verses says "Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart." God isn't a vending machine where we put service in and get blessings out. He wants a relationship with us. So many times, I lose sight of that fact and treat Him like a vending machine. Too often I think that since I am doing what I am supposed to do to be a good Christian, then He should reward me by giving me the desires of my heart. But there's a first part to that verse: Delight yourself in the Lord!

What does it mean to delight yourself in the Lord? When you face trials and sorrows, how can you delight in the pain and anger they bring? The simple truth is the hardest one to accept: you simply trust God that He's got everything under control.

April 3, 2012, my husband and I had our second IUI procedure and so began the excruciating two weeks of waiting and wondering and waiting and wondering. Every little wave of nausea, I rejoiced. If I felt fine, I would sink low. It was a long two weeks where doubts constantly assailed me. Every time I found myself doubting, I turned to the Lord in prayer and cling to His promises. "Keith and I ARE delighting ourselves in you, so I BELIEVE You will give us the desires of our heart."

The two weeks waiting was so much harder than last time. Finally, I convinced Keith to take a pregnancy test two days early. We were being presented to a church as their new youth ministers and they prayed a wonderful, earth-shaking prayer over before the procedure, that I wanted to be able to tell them that prayer worked! So, at 4 am on Sunday, April 15, my bladder woke me up. I contemplated just going to the bathroom and then back to bed, but I knew I'd never be able to get back asleep. So we got up.

While we waited the LONG three minutes, we prayed and laughed. I knew I was pregnant. I could feel it. My body was throwing out all the signs. My only worry was what if the test was a false negative. I didn't want to ruin our day, but I had to turn that over to God. He is in control of it all.

When we saw the two pink lines saying that we were pregnant again, we both rejoiced, giving God all the praise and glory. While I know I have a long road ahead of fighting Satan for control of my doubts, I feel confident about this baby. I know that this baby will ride this path with me for the next 8 months and we will hold him or her in our arms and see his or her precious smile as we see God's gift to us.

Dear Lord,

Thank You for Your love. Thank You for Your forgiveness and Your patience. Thank You for seeing through my times of doubt to the faith held strong in my heart. Thank You for this most amazing blessing! I dedicate our child to You now and trust that You hold him or her in the palm of Your hand. You are knitting the child together in my womb and covering him or her with Your protection. Thank You for Your protection and Your unfailing love. I am forever Yours,

Amen

Journey Like No Other

Trying to think of something other than the very real possibility of a baby growing inside of you is next to impossible. At work, I think about it. I am aware of my anxiety whenever I lift something or feel like I've been on my feet too long. In the prairie days, before medicine got so high-tech, the women worked and worked while they were pregnant. Giving no thought to doing too much. I don't have that luxury. I don't want that luxury. I want to do whatever I can to create a healthy, nurturing environment.

I asked Keith if he thought I had been hormonal lately. He laughed and gave me a very sarcastic "NO!" but I knew the truth. I feel hormonal and moody and irritable. I am really trying hard to be patient with him, but I'm afraid my patience is non-existent. I pray he'll just ride the waves and keep smiling. I love it when he smiles. He builds me up with his smile and I know that as long as he's smiling, everything is going to be okay.

He's down in the man-cave playing his guitar. Listening to Casting Crowns, "Glorious Day" and playing along. He is teaching himself the guitar and the piano and I couldn't be more proud of him. I enjoy singing in the choir, but that's all the musical talent I have unfortunately. I am creative in other ways, though. My imagination never sleeps and I never stop dreaming. I see the big vision, the grand picture, the end result that most people over look. But I have to make myself remember that it's not the destination that matters, it's the journey.

The journey to motherhood has been a long, hard, painful, and oftentimes, a very dark one. I am overweight and I understand how that adds complications to trying to get pregnant, but I never imagined it would be this hard. I never thought I'd have to do so much and endure so much. With that said, I can honestly say that I never imagined the reward would be so great. If something comes easily, then it is easily taken for granted. I don't want to take you for granted. I want to treasure you and the blessing you represent. There is not a mother alive who loves her child more than I love you. Right now. In this very moment. Even before I knew for sure that there was a "you". You are a loved and heavily prayed for child. I pray you never forget that.

I love you with all that is within me.