Where Faith and Fear Collide

I skimmed my last post and couldn't believe how much had changed over the course of a month and a half. Since April 16, I turned 37, my husband and I became youth ministers at a terrific church, we celebrated our 6th wedding anniversary,  the transmission in my jeep went out and Keith's truck threatened to do the same. And we lost our second baby.

Two miscarriages within a year. To ask God, 'what are You doing?' doesn't seem like a big enough question. To plaster a smile on my face and continue on as though nothing has changed is not an option. Something has changed. Once again, my faith has been shaken.

Once again, I'm faced with that uphill battle of maintaining my sanity when everything within me longs to dwell in the darkness. In the darkness, there is no pain or disappointment. But there is no hope or joy, either. While I may be down and struggling, I pray I always cling to hope. Without hope, I'm certain I wouldn't make it.

Over the course of constant prayer, encouraging talks with loved ones, and a meltdown, I felt my faith pick itself up by the bootstraps and hang on tight. I clung to the promise that as long as I remain in the Vine, there isn't anything I can't do. With Jesus on my side, I cannot fail. The outcome may look different than I expect or than how I planned, but it will be just as God always planned. As long as I get out of the way and let Him guide me.

As a Christian, I make a daily - no, more like a moment-to-moment - decision to root my faith in the Word and allow God to help it grow and thrive. As a human, fear and doubt creep in and try everything to shatter what I've struggled to rebuild.

Tomorrow I face fear and I have to choose if it is going to run me or if I'm going to battle it with faith. I know that I know that I know that with God, all things are possible. I know that God knows my every thought and my every desire. I know that He wants me to have an abundant life. I also know that God can chase away every speck of darkness with the tiniest sliver of His light.

The saying, 'I don't know what tomorrow holds, but I know Who holds tomorrow' might be cliche, but it's true. Tomorrow is full of unknowns and frightening possibilities.

When faith and fear collide, which one wins? Truth be told, I have more times in my life where fear is the victor. I don't want to be defined by fear or ruled by the unknown. I choose to submit myself, entirely, to the One who can snuff out my fear and crush the unknown simply by being.

When faith and fear collide . . . I choose faith.

Dear Lord,
Thank You for Your love and Your goodness and Your countless blessings in my life. Thank You for surrounding me with Your strong hands and keeping me safe from harm. Thank you for not living me where I am and shaking my life up enough so that I choose to cling to You more. Thank You for chasing away the darkness and showing me the light.

Amen